So Confused

  I am so confused right now.  I need to vent about some things right now because I can't seem to make sense of things.  I always get myself into these types of situations(like drama follows me).  Ok....the new update is this.  Friday night I had a big party...Will(Steve's best friend) met a new girl and decided not to come to the party and spend the night with her.  Which is fine.  But he never called to tell me he wasn't coming and that pissed me off because he gave me so much sh*it for stuff like that. 

  So on Saturday he sent me some nasty text message referring to me as a slu*t.  So I freaked out at him.  We talked it out and he didn't call till later that same night and everything was fine.  But yesterday I went for a drive on my own and he called and asked if he could come with me.  So we drove around and went to my parents house and sat on their deck in the sun, had drinks and talked to them.  He met my sister and he got along well if everyone.  He came back to my apartment and we watched part of Snatch and thats when it all started.  I felt like this strong tension between us and we were kind of play fighting.  I gave him a little massage(I know it sounds horrible)but it was totally innocent.  If I think about it now I think to myself....what was I thinking??  I am dating his best f*ucking friend! But then he told me that he wanted to kiss me...ahhhh...I can't even think about it.  I wanted him so badly.  I don't know what it is?  Is it because I know I can't have him that I want him so badly?  I am telling you the moment I met him I wanted him.  And that was before me and Steve got together.  I feel like I make the wrong decisions a lot.  I feel like I never do the right thing.  What I have decided is that I am going to do the right thing...no matter what that might be.  I can't come in between two best friends because I want something that I can't have.  I can't be selfish.  It sucks.  Will keeps telling me to trust him and know that he isn't going to do anything to me...but its not him I don't trust.  It's myself.  I don't feel like I am being fair to Steve.  If situations were switched I would be totally hurt.  And of course I would be completely pissed off.  That's how I know what I am doing isn't right.  But you can't have your cake and eat it too.  I don't even like cake that much.  I can't stop thinking about Will.  I feel like I am boy crazy and just such a mess.  I need to become a nun.  My mom actually wanted to be a nun for a little while when she was younger.  That's weird.  But smart thinking when it comes to relationships and having to deal with this stuff.  My heart hurts.  Can't I just have them all?  I mean its not a horrible situation like...having more than one person who likes you and you like them isn't the worst thing in the world.  I can think of much, much worse.  I just wish things were more clear to me and easier to understand. I was thinking about getting my cards read...see what they say.  There is a lady that reads cards in my area...said to be pretty good.  Maybe I'll go this week.  Or maybe I just runaway somewhere.  Ahhhhhhhh!    

12:08 PM - May. 1, 2006 - post comment